I'm Still Struggling
by Rebecca1
Summary: Reid just can't shake his addiction even after talking to Ethan and Gideon. His rational logic has gone and all that's left is why he should take it. Takes place after the Jones episode when they get home.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm Still Struggling**

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He knew Ethan was right. The team knew something wasn't right with him, he could tell by the way they looked at him. How they were cautious when they were around him as though the slightest thing would set him off. He knew it wasn't a smart move to take Dilaudid just like how he knew it could potentially destroy him. He had gone from injecting himself once a day to twice and although part of him wanted to stop a much bigger part of him desired it, craved it, needed it. He couldn't tell whether he was thankful for Tobias drugging him and showing him how things are when under the influence of drugs or whether he should resent and hate him for it. The lines for everything; right and wrong, good and bad, truth and lies – they were all blurred and he didn't care. He didn't know how to care about his team and how it was affecting them, he just didn't have the energy. Caffeine was a drug but they didn't care that he drank coffee, at least eight times a day, sometimes more. What is the difference? Both had a negative effect on him.

He felt guilty when he thought of Emily. He was smart enough to know that what he was doing to her was wrong and hypocritical. He swore he would never hurt anyone the way he was by the kids he went to school with but wasn't he just like them? Wasn't he worse? She was supposed to be his friend, she helped the team when he was being tortured by Tobias' alter-ego's, she took his bad attitude towards her. He directed his anger onto her because she was the newest agent on the team and so there wasn't as much as a consequence in losing her. Still, he hated that everyone kept quiet about it and let her deal with it herself, that no-one stood up for her and warned him to stop. Did no-one care about each other on this team? Was he wrong in thinking that they had each other's backs both in and out of the field?

Gideon was supposed to be his mentor but right now Spencer hated him. Gideon should have known better when he'd asked for a 'second alone', when he knelt down beside Hankle's dead body and took the Dilaudid out of his pockets, slipping it into his own. Gideon had said nothing to him for weeks about his being captured and taking the drugs and then he showed up at the bar to talk to him. Reid had talked to Ethan; he wasn't interested in another conversation about anything. Still he told the truth – he didn't know whether he could do this job however, he lied when he promised he'd never miss another plane again. Every time he was told there was a case he wanted to run and hide. He didn't want to look at the bodies of the victims knowing how they felt before they died and knowing that it could've been him. They didn't know that he'd actually given up hope when he confessed to Raphael, he couldn't stay there holding onto the faith in his team. The same faith had withered and died along with Tobias. He had no faith in his team anymore because they weren't good enough. They weren't smart enough to prevent it. It was their fault just as much as it was Tobias'.

He blamed JJ. She should've been there with him he'd shouted to her after all. He didn't deserve this. His life had been one torment after another and now 'God' had decided to play this joke on him. What'd be next? Spencer gets shot? Spencer gets fired? Spencer loses everything he's worked so hard to achieve? And what about Hotch, he should have confronted him by now. Aaron was the leader of his team and yet he just sat back and watched Reid as he crumbled to pieces. Maybe if he cared enough he would have stopped Spencer from injecting himself. The whole team had stood by and watched as he struggled for air beneath each case, they watched as he crumbled and they did nothing about it. They didn't care or they would have stopped it. He hadn't even written to his mother in two days. His withdrawal from the team was getting worse and now he was alone in his apartment. Of course the team had invited him out but he was sure it was due to pity. He was sick of people pitying him, underestimating him. Everyone used him for his brain but they didn't care about him, his father didn't love him and his mother had forgotten that he was her son so many times. He often wondered why it was so easy for them to do that, why he got bullied and taunted on a regular basis but now he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

These were the reasons he'd come up with to justify taking his last shot of Dilaudid. After this he'd quit. He just needed this last one.

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**This was pretty random and just popped into my head although I'm not sure how well it's turned out**

**Thanks for reading , I hope it was worth it :D**

**I'd appreciate any reviews**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm gonna try this out as a second chapter but I'm really not sure if it's gonna work . I think I'm gonna keep it like the first chapter though in terms of it being a Reid monologue**

**Anyway , here's the erm chapter**

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Spencer had stayed true to his word. It had been a week now since he'd last taken Dilaudid. The team hadn't noticed. Even despite him trying hard to get his work up to the standard it was before Tobias, they still hadn't noticed. All except for Emily, who he was surprised still wanted to associate herself with him. This had become his new substitute drug – craving the attention of his team so much that he often felt like shouting at them, maybe then they'd notice him. Hotch had kept him restricted to working at the police station for the duration of their new case. As much as he liked the logical side of things as it usually kept his mind off the need for Dilaudid it wasn't working anymore. For the first couple of days, yeah it worked. But now? Now it's all he could think about – it was as though the vials were calling his name, luring him to them and he was oh so close to giving in to the temptation. Talking to someone about this would have been his best bet but he no longer trusted his team. Hotch would probably fire him, the girls would pity him, Gideon would be disappointed in him and he was sure Morgan, his supposed best friend, wouldn't understand.

He was still struggling for air, for clarity and they didn't notice. Spencer didn't know whether they were really oblivious to his struggling or whether they just didn't care – the latter seemed the most likely of the two options. Ethan's words still echoed through his mind: 'I'm a jazz musician in New Orleans, I know what it looks like when someone's not well … if I can tell, you're surrounded by some of the best minds in the world, if you think they don't notice, well for a genius, that's just dumb.' Thinking about it, he realised that the team did know. Hotch had asked him a couple of times if he was okay and not questioned him further when he replied with a 'yes'. He saw the looks the team gave him but it didn't matter, he was too far gone. Even after Gideon's conversation with him he still doubted his place on the team; he still questioned whether he was strong enough to be there. Maybe it was them that weren't strong enough; after all they refused to help him. How could they be okay with helping other people day after day but not help him? They were supposed to be a family and family helped each other, didn't they? He had no experience when it came to family until this team but now they'd abandoned him too. They'd distanced themselves from him as though he was a time bomb waiting to explode. The more he thought about it the more he resented them and the more he resented them, the more he hated them. He was fighting a losing battle and he could feel himself falling from grace.

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**I wrote this whilst listening to You've Lost That Loving Feeling by the Righteous Brothers – I do love that song :D**

**Anyway , thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any reviews to this**


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